Do I believe in God?

I have been through various phases in my belief in God.

As a child, I was very religious. At 7, I was reading all the religious books in English that I could lay my hands on. We had a class trip to the Hussain Sagar Dam once and they took us to a nearby Temple and my only purchases were 2 idols – one of Sai Baba and the other Saraswati. We still have those at home.

Then, as I grew up and entered my teens – having read all those religious books, I started having doubts and asking people questions. Why should this be this way? How does it make sense? In typical Indian way, I was reprimanded for asking questions and quite eloquently, told to shut up. Then. getting sick of it, I decided there was no such thing as God and chose to be an Atheist.

Now, recently I have been having doubts again. Certain instances in my life have made me believe that maybe, perhaps there might be God, after all.

But, I am still confused. Do I believe in God or not? And why is it so important anyway?

Being an atheist in India is not easy. Especially if you’re a girl. A guy being an atheist is forgiven easily. A girl atheist. It’s amazing how much people can get offended by YOUR beliefs. I mean I said I didn’t believe in God – I am not asking you to stop believing in God, am I? But, no. People get all hysterical – I am offending God by not believing in him. LOL. If there is God, how would it matter to him whether I believed in him or not?

Anyway, if I do believe in God, I also know that none of the current religions suit me. I can’t identify myself as a Hindu – too patriarchal for me. Islam and Christianity are also out of the question. That’s the funny thing isn’t it? Religion really has nothing to do with God. It’s more of a way of life.

Back to my question. Do I believe in God? Should I? Have I felt the presence of a Superior, supreme being?

When I was married, I was going through the phase of  “Yes, I do believe in God”. So, when things were not going well in the marriage, I prayed. Yes, I prayed. I prayed to God. I don’t pray FOR things usually. When I am in my “God does exist” mode, I usually pray for strength. Strength to take the right decision. Strength to bear something, etc etc. Because I don’t believe that God can help us with anything in general. I mean, take an example. You are writing a competitive exam in which about 1,00,000  other people are participating. What makes you think that if you pray to God, he will choose you of all the people to give a good rank to? I mean, imagine all 1,00,000 are praying to God. Which one does God choose to give a good rank to?

Right? So, believing in God, not believing in God, doesn’t really change anything for me. Because I don’t expect God to swoop in and help me/save me from anything.

But, I would like to be clear about the whole thing. Do I or don’t I?

Wish I could just make up my mind.