So, lately I have been circling the drain of depression again. I have been fighting it as much as I can. Trying to make a schedule and stick to it. Trying to take the “baby steps”. Trying to go out, meet people, keep busy. It’s not helping. It came to the point that finally last week I was at work and found I could.not.sit at my desk. I tried for a few hours, then gave up and went to lie down in the Nap Room. I curled into a fetal position and slept. Not slept, so much as cried and sobbed and just lay there staring into space.

Lately I have been having trouble sleeping. Restless sleep, I toss and turn in bed. Have weird dreams (or are they nightmares? I can’t make out anymore). I don’t know where my life is going. I have no one to talk to. I have friends. Lots of friends. Just no one I can talk to about these things. No one who understands. Lot of people who tell you to snap out of it or try to give you a pep talk, except pep talks don’t fucking work! Lots of people who tell you why don’t you lose weight or join tinder or bharat matrimony and find a partner. But, no one who understands depression.

I finally decided to go meet a psychiatrist. I am terrified of going to one. Mental health is still so vastly misunderstood in this World. Especially in India. I am terrified of being locked up. But, I am not strong enough to go it alone anymore. I know I need help. I will take the risk and go meet that psychiatrist. Either she will have some useful suggestions or hopefully have some pills to give me that will make me better. I want to get better so that I can be fully functional member of society and achieve things in life.


Fahrenheit 451

I am reading Fahrenheit 451, by Ray Bradbury. It is a difficult book to read. He talks a lot about things that are actually happening now. He talks about people no longer giving importance to English or language and grammar and spelling anymore, about people writing shorter and shorter things until books like Hamlet can be shortened to a single line or a single paragraph. It’s true. This books was written in the 80’s and whatever he’s written has more or less come true. Except the part where we start burning books. And of course, in his fantasy land, America is the only Country where people are well fed and the rest of the World is starving.

It’s not difficult for me to read because of the book burning. I am finding it difficult to read because of the casual Misogyny. The way his wife Mildred is described. The MPDG Clarisse. All set up so that the straight white man can have his moment. I find it difficult to read because of the arrogance of the writer that in the future America will be the only Country that will be well fed. The rest of the World starving. Okay, assuming that the 3rd World Countries are still not developed enough or have in fact devolved and are now starving, what about the other developed Countries? Europe, Australia, New Zealand? How do these people forget the other White people also? How can anyone possibly be this arrogant?

I keep telling myself that it’s just a book. There has to be a Protagonist, so it may as well be a white man. And it is a fantasy book, so we may as well imagine that all Countries except America are starving to death while America parties. Sure.

But, it leaves a heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach. It’s an ugly feeling.

There is a part in the book where the main protagonist Montag talks about hate and why people hate America. Ray Bradbury, this is straight up the reason that people hate America.

Abuser Dynamics

Anne at the BelleJar has a great post on Abuser Dynamics. 


“You are so unromantic!”, she pouted.
He rolls his eyes. “Yes, dear” is all he says in response. He is lost in the Internet. Doing God knows what, she fumes.
“Please close the laptop”, she pleads.
She sighs. She goes to watch TV.
She starts watching some sitcom. It’s funny enough and soon she forgets all about her unromantic husband.
The sitcom is followed by a semi-drama. Almost an hour has passed.
He enters the room.
“Honey, should we go to bed?”
“Let’s go to bed”
“Okay. I’m going to sleep”
She continues watching her show.

And then after he leaves the room, her eyes still on the TV,  “Huh? Did you say something?”
There is no response. She shrugs and keeps watching TV.


You can get vertigo from the simplest, most innocuous looking people.

You look deep in to their eyes and you can find yourself spinning out of control into a World that isn’t yours anymore.

Miss Alice in Wonderland without the magic mirror, you are in a World where up is down and right is wrong and you no longer know where you are or what you are doing nor do you know if it matters or if you should stop.

Vertigo – where your mind tricks you into thinking the World is spinning. Or does it? The World, after all, really does spin, does it not?

You are walking along, going on with your life. Your life one long beautiful day – the sun shining, the lightest of warmth kissing your skin and the lightest of light breeze caressing you, carrying the blissful smell of spring; the touch of fresh grass, some nameless, but surely beautiful, flower, along with an ounce of a trickling brook.

And you turn a corner and look into those eyes and in that infinitesimal moment, vertigo!

Does it make your life better or worse? This miniscule, supposedly insignificant moment?

Does this Vertigo take you to heights you never dreamed of? Does it plunge you into the depths of despair?

That is never known. Only one thing is for sure. Your life, as you know it, will never be the same again!

Fairy tales for the Modern Woman

The one in which I am grown up

There was a time, when I was a teenager and up to the point when I was in college, having these fantastic crushes on some boy or the other…. and like all silly, dreamy teenage girls with a crush, I used to write said crush’s name all over my notebook and my diary…. Although, I drew the line at writing “Mrs. (Crush Name)”. Even at the height of my crush, I was a bit of a feminist. 😉

Now, my dreams have changed. I have grown up and now I keep writing (My Name), Vice President and giggle to myself…. not very unlike how I used to giggle after writing a crushes name back then (Maybe I am not all THAT grown up, then?) 🙂 🙂

I used to be pretty ambitious as a kid…. When people asked me what I wanted to become  I used to say “the Prime Minister!” … They used to shake their heads at me and say “She doesn’t know what she is saying”. I dreamed of Governing the Country and shaking it right… I used to fantasize about people from other Countries coming to India and looking at the Infrastructure in awe… All thanks to me, of course!! 😀

Then, as I went through my teenage years and college, where I spent more time bunking classes and going out with boys and watching bad movies with my best friend… My ambition kind of got lost in the way. All I could think of was partying, having fun, eating good food, drinking alcohol. I became a spoiled brat! Not that there is anything wrong with Partying or having fun. It’s just that that was ALL I DID! And ALL that I ever thought about doing!

As I came out of that phase, I was kind of lost…. I barely survived in my job. I went from one crisis to another.  My career wasn’t that important to me… All thoughts of some day being Prime Minister or even a CEO or a Manager had slowly vanished from my head.

My focus went to finding a good husband! I had fallen into the trap that most young women fall. Career wasn’t important. Finding the right guy was… and then of course having kids.

Then, the disaster of a marriage happened and the divorce… and you know what? Divorce was the best thing that could have happened to me! It set my head right. It made me focus more on my career and less about a husband and kids.

I found my feminist back, I found my ambition and my dreams and desires again. And it feels so wonderful!

It feels amazing.

Protected: A hurdle on my path to Freedom (or maybe not?)

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Some pics with my new Cam

From my childhood, I have had a fascination with fire. I guess I have never really grown up that way.

My fascination with fire, candles and diyas has never really gone away.

It’s so beautiful, can be so dangerous yet, it also gives us warmth and light. 🙂

Candle light, ever so bright!



No wonder Diyas, Candles and fire (for Havans) are used in religions all over the world for festivals and holy ceremonies.



Love Story

Love Story

This story is just too cute!!

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