The one in which I am grown up

May 12, 2013 at 9:18 am (Random thoughts)
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There was a time, when I was a teenager and up to the point when I was in college, having these fantastic crushes on some boy or the other…. and like all silly, dreamy teenage girls with a crush, I used to write said crush’s name all over my notebook and my diary…. Although, I drew the line at writing “Mrs. (Crush Name)”. Even at the height of my crush, I was a bit of a feminist. ;)

Now, my dreams have changed. I have grown up and now I keep writing (My Name), Vice President and giggle to myself…. not very unlike how I used to giggle after writing a crushes name back then (Maybe I am not all THAT grown up, then?) :) :)

I used to be pretty ambitious as a kid…. When people asked me what I wanted to become  I used to say “the Prime Minister!” … They used to shake their heads at me and say “She doesn’t know what she is saying”. I dreamed of Governing the Country and shaking it right… I used to fantasize about people from other Countries coming to India and looking at the Infrastructure in awe… All thanks to me, of course!! :D

Then, as I went through my teenage years and college, where I spent more time bunking classes and going out with boys and watching bad movies with my best friend… My ambition kind of got lost in the way. All I could think of was partying, having fun, eating good food, drinking alcohol. I became a spoiled brat! Not that there is anything wrong with Partying or having fun. It’s just that that was ALL I DID! And ALL that I ever thought about doing!

As I came out of that phase, I was kind of lost…. I barely survived in my job. I went from one crisis to another.  My career wasn’t that important to me… All thoughts of some day being Prime Minister or even a CEO or a Manager had slowly vanished from my head.

My focus went to finding a good husband! I had fallen into the trap that most young women fall. Career wasn’t important. Finding the right guy was… and then of course having kids.

Then, the disaster of a marriage happened and the divorce… and you know what? Divorce was the best thing that could have happened to me! It set my head right. It made me focus more on my career and less about a husband and kids.

I found my feminist back, I found my ambition and my dreams and desires again. And it feels so wonderful!

It feels amazing.

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A hurdle on my path to Freedom (or maybe not?)

April 13, 2013 at 12:19 am (Random thoughts)
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His brother in law called up to speak to my Uncle. Why? What does he hope to achieve? I am worried. Seriously worried. 

“He” has apparently already signed the papers. The delay in signing is only on our side. I am pestering my parents to get it over with, but my dad keeps postponing it saying “We will anyway not be able to officially file until July”!

The worst part is, I can sense my Parents are STILL hoping for a reconciliation. And I fear that my dad is only postponing the signing hoping that he can somehow convince me to go back to him. This is pissing me off! They aren’t acknowledging it, as usual. It’s all “Oh, no!! We don’t want any reconciliation” which is inevitably followed by a “Let’s see”. What is THIS “Let’s see”? What is there to “see”?! 

Have to talk to my dad tomorrow. Get the papers signed as soon as possible. Maybe also speak to the lawyer myself.

I am considering getting a transfer, move out of this City… get some distance. But, that wreaks my plans of travelling abroad some time next year.  But, I am worried that his brother in law is getting into the act. If I stay here any longer, I know that if “THEY” ask or attempt a reconciliation, my parents will not say “No”. My mom agrees that they cannot force me to go back to him, but I know there will be much pressure. Everyone in the extended family disapproves of my decision. They all want me to give it one more try.Give him some time to change. Or maybe they think if I stay a little longer, I will become the good, submissive wife and forget all my thoughts of being an independent, feminist woman.

What do I do? I have anyway moved out of my Parent’s house. But, should I stay here or move to another City? Will running away help me? 

Or am I over-reacting? Am I being “over-sensitive”? Was his brother in law only talking to my Uncle … No, that doesn’t make sense. He wouldn’t talk to him unless they were attempting or wanting to attempt a reconciliation or something, right? Because, he did make a comment that we had stayed together for a very short while.  

This second-guessing and trying to figure out what people are up to is so tiring! But, I cannot let my guard down. I know what I want. And I also know what my Parents want deep down, me back with him. So that their “prestige” will be untouched. Once I know that what I want and what they want are 2 completely different and opposite things, I cannot rest until I get what I want. 

The knowledge that people who love you need not necessarily have your best interests at heart or that what they consider to be your best interest need not necessarily be really your best interests have really opened my eyes. It’s made me realize that the only person that I can or should rely on in life, is myself.

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Some pics with my new Cam

January 14, 2013 at 9:48 am (Random thoughts)

From my childhood, I have had a fascination with fire. I guess I have never really grown up that way.

My fascination with fire, candles and diyas has never really gone away.

It’s so beautiful, can be so dangerous yet, it also gives us warmth and light. :)

Candle light, ever so bright!

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No wonder Diyas, Candles and fire (for Havans) are used in religions all over the world for festivals and holy ceremonies.

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It’s all come to an end now

January 1, 2013 at 9:12 pm (Divorce, Marriage)

So, finally after several months of silence, the soon to be ex in laws called up. They were acting all arrogant, as usual.

They have loads of attitude because they are the “ladkevale”.

So, my parents went to meet them at a mutual relatives house (the one who set up the “match”). Then, in typical Indian fashion they tried to reconcile us. My dad refused to let the soon to be ex MIL talk to me. So, instead the matchmaker spoke to me.

I told her my grievances. She asked if I wanted to give it one more shot. One month to see if he will mend his ways and change. I told her no way in hell was I going back to him.

This guy isn’t going to change.

He is a two-faced liar. He is an abuser. He is manipulative. He is a whole lot of things I only caught a glimpse of in the short time I was married to him and I do not want to see anymore.

I do not want to know just how much harm he can do to me.

So, they passed on the info to them. They have agreed to go for a divorce by mutual consent.

And the best part? The matchmakers husband has said he would arrange for a lawyer. A single lawyer to handle the case and speedily close the case. How sweet of him!

So, I am almost officially free of him now. Yeay!

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Love Story

December 18, 2012 at 9:09 am (Random thoughts)
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Love Story

This story is just too cute!!

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The Uncle I never knew

December 18, 2012 at 12:57 am (Random thoughts)
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He was my grandfathers first son, born of his second marriage. My ever loving grand mom was the wicked step mother from the fairy tales. I don’t know what really happened, since I wasn’t there but I guess he must have been a reminder to her, an every day bitter reminder to her that she wasn’t my grandfather’s first wife. (I blogged about it here).

This is stuff I have been told from my aunts. She made him do the house work a la Cinderella, except his father was still alive and didn’t do a thing about it.

Anyway, so there was a misunderstanding of some sort, after which my grandfather banished him from the house (very Bollywood). He got married, had kids (cousins I never knew). Then, my grandfather died. Now, as per Hindu rituals HE was the eldest son and SHOULD have performed the rituals, but as per my grandfathers wishes, my dad was the one who ended up performing the rituals. There some tension at that time as people were afraid that “he” might come and create a scene. But, nothing of that sort happened. He came. He paid his respects. Had his lunch. He left. He looked like a carbon copy of my grandfather.

He didn’t even ask for his share of the Property. We never heard from him again.

Many, many years later I heard that one of his sons died. In an accident. The cousin I never knew died. I felt sad. No, not that I am close to the cousins I DO know. This family is too messed up for ANYONE to be close to ANYONE.

Then, news came that he died. He died even before my grandmother died. She expressed sorrow at his death. I wonder.

He had come home from some where in an Auto, got out, collapsed and died.

None of us attended the funeral.

I just wonder. How would life have been had this man not been banished from our life? He did pretty well for himself. He was fairly well off when he died. He would have been the eldest son of the family and not my dad. Would he have supported my dad through our tough times? Would our family have been less messed up?

I know it’s stupid to feel the absence of cousins I never knew when I have no relationship to the cousins that I do (on my dad’s side anyway). But, I can’t help but wonder…..

Would things have been ANY different or would they have remained the same?

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It’s time to grow up

December 16, 2012 at 9:09 pm (Life, Random thoughts)
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I’ve been hiding for far too long now. Playing at being a child in an Adults body, refusing to take responsibility. I have to stop. NOW.

Grow up. Take Responsibility. Take charge of my life.

Behave like an Adult!

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I used to love this song as a kid

December 9, 2012 at 3:58 pm (Random thoughts)

Brings back fond memories….

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Elite Matrimony, You Suck

December 9, 2012 at 3:27 pm (Feminism, Marriage, Society)
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This Ad has got to be the Mother and Father of all offensive ads.

 

I am speechless at the sheer tastelessness of this ad.

The fathers achievements are rubbish just because his daughter isn’t married? Really? Unmarried daughter is something to be ashamed of?

Again, Elite Matrimony, you Suck.

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Women in the Board room

December 6, 2012 at 12:13 am (Career, Feminism, Work)

A few years ago I was attending interviews for MBA Admission to a College in a posh Hotel in the City. On the same day, a “Managers” meet for some Company was going on at the Hotel. I was saddened to see that all the Managers were Male.  There was not a single Woman in that group of Managers. And that day, I made a promise to myself that some day, SOME  DAY, I will be there. I will be part of the “Managers”.

And that kind of happened recently. We had a Monthly Review Meeting a few days ago with the Regional Manager. I was not only the only Woman in that room. I was also the youngest, most junior person! OK, so I didn’t really have much of a part to play, me being so junior and all. But, just being there felt awesome!

I was nervous at first. My first meeting with the “Big Man”. People were terrified of him. I was told horror stories of how these meetings went. But, it was tame this time around (for various reasons).

I still can’t believe that I was in that Board Room. And he even knew my name!! WOWOWOWOWOW!!!!

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